December 14th, 2018 [Friday]

Took the day off today. Might have caught a cold yesterday after going to the hospital. Probably due to the huge change in temperature. Winter's coming soon so the temperature tend to drop suddenly. Had a slight fever this morning and was weak and lethargic. Had to call in MC. Ended up sleeping quite a bit today. Woke up around 1600+ and started working on my side projects til now. Still feeling a lil drowsy but hey, work's work. It ain't gonna be done by itself; somebody's gotta do it. Despite all that, thoughts of her has always been on my mind. Well, gonna continue for a bit and head off to sleep when I don't think that I can hold out anymore. Good night my dear diary.

December 13th, 2018 [Thursday]

Took the day of to see doctor. Had an x ray but doc says that there's no improvement and that I need to continue doing therapy. To be honest, I stopped going for my therapy about 2 days ago.

Reason being I just didn't feel like it. I mean why do I do therapy? For myself? I mean yea, but even that isn't a reason anymore. I used to have a reason but when I thought about it, I actually didn't have a reason to do therapy. In fact I don't have a reason to live, to be honest. That's why I live my life day by day. I don't have anymore goals in life. My goals gradually disappeared over time, one by one until finally, my one and only goal was gone, a long time ago.

I am the one to blame for being a coward. I didn't have the courage to tell her how much I loved her till it was too late, way too late. Back then, even so now. I did recall vaguely that I confessed to her. Don't recall the outcome, but probably didn't end there way I thought it would. Though I did confess to her over the phone, i can say that if she were in front of me, it would most likely end in me doing what I do best; changing topics to avoid telling her how I felt. I'm nothing if alone, always have been, always will be. Like the saying goes, behind every great man is a woman (I believe I mentioned this a few posts before). I feel whole when and if I'm with her; master of the world, second to none, etc., you get the point. For her sake, I'd seek fame, power and fortune to the extent of my abilities and capabilities. Alone, there's nothing I want, not frame nor power or even fortune. Originally, I'm and I like to be low profile. It's better no one notices me. The reason why I was well known (not popular nor well known in a good way) was because I sought attention from people, especially her. I'd figure if everyone started taking about me, she'd eventually hear about me. I was known for being the most retarded, probably one of the strongest, one of the craziest, as well as a troublemaker. Maybe backfired and instead gave her a negative look at my personality instead (which was against everything I stood for and intended to show). I'd thought she'd see through the guise. But somehow, I know deep down she kind of understood me (or maybe I'm mistaken and she was just too kind by nature and even pitied me instead, though I wish not to think so), because she's talk to me, hear out my problems (most were lies just so I could get closer to her, chat with her, see her smile, help her (and even take care of her if I could) make get laugh by being stupid and also have her help me about brownie points with her sister (biggest lie of all, which TDK knows as I've confessed to her just so I could use her as a topic just so I could chat with GDK). She's smart, knows her priorities and kind. She's talented in singing and art as well. I remember the time I asked for her signature and tried to "duplicate" it (and remembered the little heart she drew in place of the dot for the i was something I couldn't forge no matter how hard I tried) and finally showing get after a few hours. God, here amazed smile made my feet soft and my heart flutter. I remembered looking away from her (well duh, with a smile like that, I was already blushing, I couldn't look at that smile any longer in fear of my legs giving way). Up till today, I can still remember the way she wrote her cursive and probably still mimic it to the same extent, the heart shaped dot for the i (unless she changed her style of writing over time). It's something I probably could not copy no matter how hard I tried.

I'd go on but time is it the essence. The things I could say about her are limitless, infinite. To be honest, I don't like to say this but as you have probably understood over my post posts (well, you don't need to return to the posts as you've already known all these as your a part of me that's just been put into texts), honorable diary, that in working hard (yes, extremely) but it's for the fact that I'm burning myself out till my body breaks, till this fragile heat of mine can no longer beat, and you (my dear diary), will have finally shared your last post and embraced the silence that shall, forever follow, hand in hand.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
Let this frail body of mine turn hard as crust.
For this life of mine,
I regard is nowhere close to a dime.

If only she was here,
It's do wonders by drowning it my fears.
My frail heart beats like a (rolls) royce,
Whenever she graces me with her heavenly voice.

December 12th, 2018 [Wednesday]

Work was horrible today. The head foreman was around when I just plugged my phone to charge my phone at work. I could see the look on his face. Man, was he upset (and I assume that he thinks that I'm using my phone or mobile gaming while on duty). Secondly, there was trouble at work and there was this batch of products that was faulty. Everyone thinks that I have green thumbs and that I was the cause of the entire batch of faulty products. Eventually, I was cleared of the blame and incidentally, the foreman was around and he knew of the situation. A colleague of mine came over and assessed the situation and found that the cause was from another department (the product is segmented and I was in charge of detailing a portion of the product). Despite the fact that I was cleared of the blame (I wasn't accused but everyone's eyes say otherwise), I could tell that the foreman wasn't going to let me off easy. After that, everything was fine. Got off work, came home, took a shower and had dinner. I was too depressed to go for my therapy session, so I ignored it and stayed home. Now, I'm back at my desktop and continuing my work whilst writing this blog/diary. Probably going to go on as usual till around 3am+ before going to bed.

December 11th, 2018 [Tuesday]

Back from work, had a shower and then had dinner. Currently listening to Selina Gomez - Kill Em With Kindness. Gonna start work now, except with this horrible headache going on. Guess I'll just pop a couple of cataflam and start on work immediately.

December 10th, 2018 [Monday]

Pay day today. No comments about work today as I really have no idea what I have been doing nor do I recall what I did. Upon returning home, I gave some allowance to my mom and went off for my 6th day at therapy as well as pay off my bills.

Thinking of upgrading my computer with some parts that I've desired for quite some time (eye tracking and vr, ar environment scanner, etc) with the money saved up but resisting for now. Need to get a new bike as well. But setting all these desires aside as, to be honest, I don't really want it. I mean I do want it, but it's just a temporary solution to fill the void in my heart left by.. well, anyway, I'm just about done with my work. No idea what I want to do now. Perhaps I should go get some extra rest? But sleeping feels.. boring.. I've actually woken up from sleep due to boredom whilst sleeping (surprising huh? No idea). I'll go for a drag on a stick of dunhill for a bit. We'll see how things proceed after. I might or not return here. We'll see...

Btw, Dua Lipa - New Rules playing on spotify station atm. If anyone wants to have some rhythmic beats flood their ears, feel free. I'd suggest other songs, but I'm blank in the attic atm.

So I'm back from my nicotine consumption and I'd been thinking. I think I missed out on tools. I need to get me some tools as well. I have sufficient knowledge as well as more than adequate experience in various fields. I could craft my own furniture as well as break down and erect walls as I see fit to redesign my house of need be. I just need more (various) tools now. Need dremel, router, air compressor, mail finds, etc. Of start my own firm but I'm in no condition to do so. Rather, I'm not in the right of mind presently. Also, I may not be well off but I do not need to be. What use is being rich when you can't sirens the rest of your life being with the one you love. As the saying goes, behind every successful man is a woman. Love comes at a price; patience and sacrifice, just not money. 

That's why I'd rather be employed by someone than be an employer myself.

December 7th, 8th and 9th 2018 [Friday, Saturday and Sunday]

Work was just the usual boring stuff, coding the CNC machine sequence. Went back to the countryside with my family (my mom's hometown) for the weekend (didn't have internet and mobile coverage was non-existent, like really pre-historic) so I didn't have net access.

Was boring as it was mostly farmlands and there was nothing to do except lazy around and maybe go fishing (it's near the sea). Back today and went to the night market to grab some food and a few snacks for midnight when I felt like eating whilst working.

Missed her terribly and couldn't do anything about it (not that I can even if I didn't go back). Well, I'ma go take a shower and start work soon. For now, I'll be logging out of here.

December 6th, 2018 [Thursday]

Has the day of today again. Went back to the hospital to do a check up and the doc prescribed a neck support device (the thing that looks like a neck cast). DaysD. I either look like I have a neck fracture or retarded. Either way, I look weird as f. Spent the day doing my own projects for side income. I can't help but think and wonder how she's doing. I really wish I could talk to her again or even see her (maybe, just maybe, a part of me wishes to show her this blog but the majority of me doesn't want to freak her out) but at the same time, I don't want to involve her with my life. Hurting her happiness goes against everything that I wish for, hence, I try to stay quiet (or at least out of her way).

Sigh. Why does it hurt so much when you love someone, even more when you're apart or even, can't be together. Heck, in just thinking to much. How could she even fall in love with a mental guy like me in the first place. I shouldn't even think that there's even the tiniest bit that she'd even fall for me or that there's a one in a million chance that there was even a moment together. Sigh...