Took the day of to see doctor. Had an x ray but doc says that there's no improvement and that I need to continue doing therapy. To be honest, I stopped going for my therapy about 2 days ago.
Reason being I just didn't feel like it. I mean why do I do therapy? For myself? I mean yea, but even that isn't a reason anymore. I used to have a reason but when I thought about it, I actually didn't have a reason to do therapy. In fact I don't have a reason to live, to be honest. That's why I live my life day by day. I don't have anymore goals in life. My goals gradually disappeared over time, one by one until finally, my one and only goal was gone, a long time ago.
I am the one to blame for being a coward. I didn't have the courage to tell her how much I loved her till it was too late, way too late. Back then, even so now. I did recall vaguely that I confessed to her. Don't recall the outcome, but probably didn't end there way I thought it would. Though I did confess to her over the phone, i can say that if she were in front of me, it would most likely end in me doing what I do best; changing topics to avoid telling her how I felt. I'm nothing if alone, always have been, always will be. Like the saying goes, behind every great man is a woman (I believe I mentioned this a few posts before). I feel whole when and if I'm with her; master of the world, second to none, etc., you get the point. For her sake, I'd seek fame, power and fortune to the extent of my abilities and capabilities. Alone, there's nothing I want, not frame nor power or even fortune. Originally, I'm and I like to be low profile. It's better no one notices me. The reason why I was well known (not popular nor well known in a good way) was because I sought attention from people, especially her. I'd figure if everyone started taking about me, she'd eventually hear about me. I was known for being the most retarded, probably one of the strongest, one of the craziest, as well as a troublemaker. Maybe backfired and instead gave her a negative look at my personality instead (which was against everything I stood for and intended to show). I'd thought she'd see through the guise. But somehow, I know deep down she kind of understood me (or maybe I'm mistaken and she was just too kind by nature and even pitied me instead, though I wish not to think so), because she's talk to me, hear out my problems (most were lies just so I could get closer to her, chat with her, see her smile, help her (and even take care of her if I could) make get laugh by being stupid and also have her help me about brownie points with her sister (biggest lie of all, which TDK knows as I've confessed to her just so I could use her as a topic just so I could chat with GDK). She's smart, knows her priorities and kind. She's talented in singing and art as well. I remember the time I asked for her signature and tried to "duplicate" it (and remembered the little heart she drew in place of the dot for the i was something I couldn't forge no matter how hard I tried) and finally showing get after a few hours. God, here amazed smile made my feet soft and my heart flutter. I remembered looking away from her (well duh, with a smile like that, I was already blushing, I couldn't look at that smile any longer in fear of my legs giving way). Up till today, I can still remember the way she wrote her cursive and probably still mimic it to the same extent, the heart shaped dot for the i (unless she changed her style of writing over time). It's something I probably could not copy no matter how hard I tried.
I'd go on but time is it the essence. The things I could say about her are limitless, infinite. To be honest, I don't like to say this but as you have probably understood over my post posts (well, you don't need to return to the posts as you've already known all these as your a part of me that's just been put into texts), honorable diary, that in working hard (yes, extremely) but it's for the fact that I'm burning myself out till my body breaks, till this fragile heat of mine can no longer beat, and you (my dear diary), will have finally shared your last post and embraced the silence that shall, forever follow, hand in hand.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
Let this frail body of mine turn hard as crust.
For this life of mine,
I regard is nowhere close to a dime.
If only she was here,
It's do wonders by drowning it my fears.
My frail heart beats like a (rolls) royce,
Whenever she graces me with her heavenly voice.
Reason being I just didn't feel like it. I mean why do I do therapy? For myself? I mean yea, but even that isn't a reason anymore. I used to have a reason but when I thought about it, I actually didn't have a reason to do therapy. In fact I don't have a reason to live, to be honest. That's why I live my life day by day. I don't have anymore goals in life. My goals gradually disappeared over time, one by one until finally, my one and only goal was gone, a long time ago.
I am the one to blame for being a coward. I didn't have the courage to tell her how much I loved her till it was too late, way too late. Back then, even so now. I did recall vaguely that I confessed to her. Don't recall the outcome, but probably didn't end there way I thought it would. Though I did confess to her over the phone, i can say that if she were in front of me, it would most likely end in me doing what I do best; changing topics to avoid telling her how I felt. I'm nothing if alone, always have been, always will be. Like the saying goes, behind every great man is a woman (I believe I mentioned this a few posts before). I feel whole when and if I'm with her; master of the world, second to none, etc., you get the point. For her sake, I'd seek fame, power and fortune to the extent of my abilities and capabilities. Alone, there's nothing I want, not frame nor power or even fortune. Originally, I'm and I like to be low profile. It's better no one notices me. The reason why I was well known (not popular nor well known in a good way) was because I sought attention from people, especially her. I'd figure if everyone started taking about me, she'd eventually hear about me. I was known for being the most retarded, probably one of the strongest, one of the craziest, as well as a troublemaker. Maybe backfired and instead gave her a negative look at my personality instead (which was against everything I stood for and intended to show). I'd thought she'd see through the guise. But somehow, I know deep down she kind of understood me (or maybe I'm mistaken and she was just too kind by nature and even pitied me instead, though I wish not to think so), because she's talk to me, hear out my problems (most were lies just so I could get closer to her, chat with her, see her smile, help her (and even take care of her if I could) make get laugh by being stupid and also have her help me about brownie points with her sister (biggest lie of all, which TDK knows as I've confessed to her just so I could use her as a topic just so I could chat with GDK). She's smart, knows her priorities and kind. She's talented in singing and art as well. I remember the time I asked for her signature and tried to "duplicate" it (and remembered the little heart she drew in place of the dot for the i was something I couldn't forge no matter how hard I tried) and finally showing get after a few hours. God, here amazed smile made my feet soft and my heart flutter. I remembered looking away from her (well duh, with a smile like that, I was already blushing, I couldn't look at that smile any longer in fear of my legs giving way). Up till today, I can still remember the way she wrote her cursive and probably still mimic it to the same extent, the heart shaped dot for the i (unless she changed her style of writing over time). It's something I probably could not copy no matter how hard I tried.
I'd go on but time is it the essence. The things I could say about her are limitless, infinite. To be honest, I don't like to say this but as you have probably understood over my post posts (well, you don't need to return to the posts as you've already known all these as your a part of me that's just been put into texts), honorable diary, that in working hard (yes, extremely) but it's for the fact that I'm burning myself out till my body breaks, till this fragile heat of mine can no longer beat, and you (my dear diary), will have finally shared your last post and embraced the silence that shall, forever follow, hand in hand.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
Let this frail body of mine turn hard as crust.
For this life of mine,
I regard is nowhere close to a dime.
If only she was here,
It's do wonders by drowning it my fears.
My frail heart beats like a (rolls) royce,
Whenever she graces me with her heavenly voice.
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