November 30th, 2018 [Friday]

Amazingly, today I did not mess up at work, though I did get a few scratches on my hand being careless and all. But anyway, the staff have a habit of listening to the radio during work hours. So the first song that came on the local radio was a heartbreaking song for me. It was "Loving you" by Minnie Riperton.

It kind of reflected what I want to say all this time. It really hurt a lot but it was a beautiful song. I wish that I could have the chance and honor of hearing her sing this song. She has the most beautiful voice, like a diva's. A few songs after was a Mandarin song called scent (English translation for the words "味道". Lyrics translation here (though albeit bad) >https://lyricstranslate.com/en/%E5%91%B3%E9%81%93-smell-%E5%91%B3%E9%81%93.html<)

This song may not reflect entirely on my feelings entirely, but has most of what I would say to her if I had the chance to do so.

Still, all I can do is stay silent and pray to the Holy Spirit for her everlasting happiness. Amen.

November 29th, 2018 [Thursday]

Woke up for work this morning with the same symptoms yet again. Took the day off and went to see the doctor. Doctor has verified that medication doesn't seem to be helping, except for the painkillers. Prescribed a full course of therapy to try to .. to.. god knows what. So then I went for the therapy sessions (which I might add, that I have to attend as much as possible without missing out even one session if possible) which included stretching my back/waist section and neck (practically pulling my head D:) amongst a few other stuffs. Came back a full 1 and a half hr later to consume my medication and took a nap.

Nothing much to say for today. Seems like my body is tired as I had a really long nap (like, about 8hrs or so) in about a decade. Can't seem to go back to sleep so might as well do a bit of side work/projects.

If there was a dream(s), I'd rather not put it down here.. we all know what it's about any, so I'll just skip repeating the same thing(s) over and over and over and..

Decided to take a break and watched The house with a clock in its wall". Made me miss her so much. That kid reminds me of being alienated #ForeverAlone. Sigh...

November 28th, 2018 [Wednesday]

Sigh... the first thing I did today was wrong.. Made quite a bit of a mess after that resulting in slow progress trying to clean up the mess, affecting the workload and other departments.. Feel sorry and really really bad to be causing them problems. I really miss her so bad. I guess what I really want to say is that I wish I could see her again and if I could, I wish that I could relive those moments with her again. Sigh.. my mental state.. is really beyond hope.. whatever the hell happened that makes me think of her so much. I was doing so well at suppressing and.. and.. what happened? Sigh.. it hurts.

November 27th, 2018 [Tuesday]

Everything seems to go wrong today. "As usual", lots of screw up at work and had to fix them cutting into my lunch break (though I don't have my breakfast and lunch, that doesn't really matter. But I really wanted to go a rest and have my usual chat with the Indonesian workers). Got a few minor cuts and when I reached home after work, I found that one of my hard disks had spoilt. Guess time to get another one.

So, when I was in the middle of work (technically, I wouldn't really say that.. we all know that everyday I'm thinking of her while working, so I'm really just dreaming instead of working), I was thinking about the past and that actually led me to the time when I was on the brink of "going over". (FYI, this has not been told to anyone yet) I was basically "dreaming". I dreamt that I was in a really busy and crowded bus station (like, a real, real busy one) and that I think I was either lost, trying to find a way out or something, or I was trying to board a bus. Was frantically looking around when suddenly, someone grabbed onto my forearm. I couldn't see who it was as the arm stretched out from within the crowd. I was then dragged off (not forcefully) with a female voice saying "It's not time yet, lets go."  (I thought she'd meant that the bus wasn't here yet) somewhere, to a less crowded place. It was then that I could see who had dragged me off. Well, obviously, without me saying, it's most likely everyone would know who it was (or who I am going to say it was). She'd look at me with this sad smile on her face and tell me "I think you should go back". I was confused and after that, I don't think I can recall anything. I just woke up in the hospital bed.

The thought of that actually.. well, let's just leave it at that. I guess I'll end today's entry here. Time to get back to work (away from work).

November 26th, 2018 [Monday]

So, I messed up today due to lack of focus on my work. It's been set aside for now to be dealt with later. Today was another zombie like day where my brain wasn't really processing anything except my body doing things by what it itself remembers. Today I kept thinking and wondering how she is doing, if she's eating properly and if she is stressed out. Hopefully she isn't though.

Heck, my mind's going blank Can't think of anything or rather, nothing comes to mind. Happy boxing day。

November 25th, 2018 [Sunday]

So another boring day and doing some debugging with my "creations" (actually just one of the many excuses that I use to keep myself busy and away from thinking so madly about her) and listening to a lil jazz while at work. No classical for me today, just a bit of "non-funky" jazz.. more like lounge music. Perhaps I shall make myself a few gin tonics later to relief my heart and mind.

To be honest, the reason why I don't wish to live so long is well, you probably have guessed it after my writing in my posts, but yea, I'm tired to being in pain, but most importantly, the real reason is realated but entirely different. I've mentioned that I'm actually being alienated in my own country, culture and my own people. I'm actually tired of pretending not to be bothered by it and that I have to life a double life; one as a happy person (with all the fake smiles and a practical joker), the other, myself, the emo, moody person. Yes, it actually is hard to live without her. Sigh..

Well, nothing much has happened today except that it's beginner colder and colder since winter is coming and all. It started raining little by little and I guess I'll be turning myself into bed now. It's 02:00 (November 26th, Monday morning) at the moment. Can't help it but wanting to hide under my blankie and wallow in the warmth. I've always been afraid of the cold ever since I could remember. It's times like this that I wish I could hug her from behind instead of hugging my pillow whilst thinking of her. Sigh...

November 24th, 2018 [Saturday]

So, today is (or rather, yesterday, since I wrote this a 24hrs late) "national" voting day for city ministers and officials all over the country. Apparently, KMT won the vote and I highly doubt that it'll be any better, if not, worse. So yea, I think they pass the gay marriage law (i think? not so sure) and the likes (not that I have anything against it not do I practically have any interests in it.. I mean I actually have a few gay friends of which, 1 actually came up to me and confessed, though i reject him politely saying that I did not swing that way but I'd be actually honored that I'd be a god-brother to him if it'll make him feel any better, and yea, he was happy and excited cause it was the next best thing i guess) but I highly doubt that they are not focusing on the city issues here.. I mean, I agree that accepting people of the same sex having a relationship with each other is important, but stressing on it and not focusing on the other things like building a nuclear power plant near the city (like, literally 20mins drive from the heart of Taipei city) is a no go.. I do approve of nuclear power (afore mentioned fission and fusion stuff I need for various personal reasons) and it'd actually want to make me get a license for being a (nuclear) physicist, but based on the current technology that Taiwan has at the moment, I highly doubt that it'd be a safe and wise decision on the governments' part, lest they brought in technology from, say, the States or say, European countries who have years or even decades of experience in this field. I really wonder why they haven't thought of it or even brought it up. There was no news or debates about how they would curb any issues (one really should emulate and simulate such risky ventures and needs dire attention) should any problems surfaces. This involves actual lives being at stake here. It would definitely make electricity cheaper here but at the same time, Taiwan is not capable of dealing with nuclear wastes. One spill would take a minimun of 50 years to make the place habitable for all living things, being plantsies, fishies, animalsies, etc.

Well, I spent the day doing my own stuff being bored (and also thinking of her, while also, trying to take my mind off her) and did a few side projects sitting around as well as my own projects (to be honest, I feel that I'm a creator at birth) creating a few "useless" but fun stuffs using arduino as well as some spare parts (drivers, drive train/axel, etc) for fun or to assist in a few house hold chores (since my mom [yea, I had to move to my parents' home] is diagnosed with early stages of blood cancer [ polycythemia - more red blood cells than white; it is not contagious fyi ] and have to attend to her whenever I am home from work(ing outside) and between my own work.

Also, at times, you may find that my posts are short. I try to keep it that way or you may find that I tend to ramble on about her and that I get all emo and stuff. I try to keep that out of it but I still need to vent out my heart's feelings at some point, so i might actually create a section for that to chuck all my heart's ramblings there (and hopefully, she might not get to that part. I really just wish that she'd be happy with her life as is without my involvement in it, or so that's what my brains tell me, though not my heart. But hey, as long as she's honestly having a happy life, that's all that's important, no matter who it is with. Trading my heartfelt pains for it is nothing more than I could ever ask for)

I guess I've learnt it the hard way. It's truly when you actually lose someone that you really find out how much you love her and that you truly wish the best for her. But no one actually tells you the pains that follow and that you have to keep quiet about it in order to preserve her happiness.

November 23rd, 2018 [Friday]

Work was boring today as usual. Was in a zombie like state the whole day. I know I was busy, but really, I have no recollection of what I was doing the whole day. To be honest, yes, I was thinking of GDK, but still... So anyway, I remember coming back after work with this bruise on my left arm. It'd gone greenish blue (pre blue-black state) so, this here's just a wild guess but I think one of the machines hit me (those cnc machines move a lot, depending on the job sequence queue) as I "might" have been standing too close to them. Other than that, I was feeling miserable the whole day. Kept thinking of the past, the happy times, the really happy times (sometimes makes me drop a tear or two), the sad and miserable times (when she's happily hanging out with her friends or GD... sigh).

November 22nd, 2018 [Thursday]

So I took today off and went to see the doctor about the frequent headaches and neck pains. Queued me up for an x-ray and i found that the result is most likely the cause of my neck/spinal cord section C-5 and C-6 having it's gap/distance shortened. Doc said that it might probably be work related or stress related and that if i don't curb the cause, it will only become more frequent as well as get worse resulting in the need to go into rehab to try to resolve it or at the very least, reduce the occurrences. Naturally I should take the day off tomorrow, but what the heck, do I really want to if everyone else, especially myself, does not value my own life?

Well then, back to my own projects for now. I'll just pop some cataflam 25mg or 50mg (aka diclofenac potassium) if i still have some lying around to suppress the pains. Good thing I've a constant supply of it as my frequent consumption is due to my shoulder dislocation issues.

November 21st, 2018 [Wednesday]

Arrived at work this morning and the first the I wrote was completely wrong. Had to scrap the product and ask for the raw material to be replenished. Sigh.. don't know why I can't seem to stop thinking of GDK. Had all morning to think about it and somehow thought about my problems with depression. Other than missing hey, it was most likely because of alienation. Despite the fact that I returned to my home country for a while now, I don't feel at home. Of cause ifI say I feel at home whenever I had the chance to be with her, but I mean like, I'm being treated differently here, like a fortitude, an outsider. Because I have an accent in Chinese and converse more in English and Malay that I do, Chinese (Mandarin included other than the local dialect, Hokkien).

While thinking about her, I can't across the memory of her asking me to give her a Japanese name. I didn't know what I should call her (back then I should have told her that Ran suited her. Refer to Conan), so she asked me what beautiful was in Japanese. I told her that it was Kirei and she said she'd like to use it as her alias. I didn't disagree, after all, what is a name but a word that we use to refer to each other as. And if you give a word a reason, why couldn't it be a name, though an unique one? The next time I'd call her, she told me her bf had said that it wasn't a name. Well, of cause it wasn't a name, but she gave it a reason, a meaning, so it will be her name.

I also remembered that is told her if I ever went to England, I'd want to visit one place most importantly (aside from the lake that Bessie resides in), and that was (and still is though) 221B Baker Street.

Also, GDK loves music. She would sometimes hum while listening to music wearing earphones and even sing to herself. It's the cutest sight ever. She loves this one Chinese song (I think by Jay Chow.. made me jealous though since GD was the one who introduced it to her). I'm probably one of the shyttiest n crappiest bloke she's ever known. Sigh...

When you look into her eyes, I'll swear that it feels like you're being sucked into a warm embrace.. a pool of light, enveloping you with warmth and kindness. If only you could feel what I feel. You only know what I write through me. I've always wished that I could be the one to always be with her and take care of her, but then it'll only be a wish. I do not honestly think that I have the courage to look her in the eyes and tell her honestly how I truly feel about her. And now, there's no need to as there's no chance to ever be graced with that opportunity. I really hope that I do not need to show her these, not till the last days of my life, at least... correction, last day. I mean, who knows what she'll think when she reads all these. My guess is that she'd be disgusted by what kind of a person I am.

November 20th, 2018 [Tuesday]

Today at work, my head was filled with thoughts about the past. About how I watched her sleep once when I went to see her in the room with the desk lamp glowing a dim yellow, about times when I used the excuse to talk to her about liking her sister, as well as about the time when she discussed with me about her going off to another country, about the times when I called her up (after she's left for another country) and we had a long chats using (me) IDD cards and that she was worried about my financial status calling from so far, chatting about stuffs, the joy, the happiness, erm.. the excitement?.. made me so happy back then, till I went and screw it up by hurting her feelings, that made me want to cry. Sometimes I wonder if I could actually show her all these, but then again, I'm also worried that she might be worried about me after reading all these things. But then again, she might not as she's got her own family to take care of. I'm just no one to her. Now even more. I wish I could consider myself as a friend of hers but.. I mean, what kind of friend cuts off contact with each other for a decade? It may be that I just didn't want to face everything, her having a boyfriend, her getting engaged, her getting married and finally, her having a kid.. it was all too painful to bear.

But I didn't want her to know all these. I didn't want to wreck havoc in her life, her happiness. It's because I truly love her, and still do, that I'd rather cut off contact and stay out of her life in order for her to be happy. Besides, call me having no confidence in myself, but I've always felt that such an angel is way too good for me. I could never match up to her. Despite the fact that I wished that I could be the one in her life, to be together, take care of her and pamper her to no limits, grow old together, watch our children grow old and get married as well (I'd fantasize about a life with her every so often, erm.. amongst other things..), I've never felt that I would be a good match for her.. in fact, I might even end sullying her name. I've never remembered a time where I actually made her happy or smile even once since the first day she arrived into my life back in high school, till now.

Also, I do love her sis too (well, not that kind of meaning but) for all the advice and help that she's given me all this time. I'd lie to both of them (GDK and TDK) that I love the other and don't know how to make approach them. Both thinking I like the other that, they'd do their best to help me out. But in truth, I've explained to TDK about the situation and she's the only 1 of 2 sisters who knew the actual situation and she didn't seem to mind. Every time, I would talk to TDK about GDK. She'd tell me all sorts of things, like when she's happy or unhappy (if so, what I should say or when to go see her), she'd tell me when GDK was busy studying and advice not to disturb her, stuff like that. And when I was with GDK, I'd ask what TDK likes and stuff like that, you know... some what the same direction I took to approach TDK about GDK. But little did GDK know that this was the only way I could get to be with her. So unknowingly, she'd tell me a lot about TDK (naturally, I mean she actually loves her own sister) and what kind of child she was like (in great detail.. looks like she actually pays great attention to TDK when young), all the incidents and such. But I'm not really sure why they didn't get along (last I heard from them). Might be that the older sibling doesn't want to admit or to show/express that they actually do love their younger sibling or what, but somehow they didn't get along together.. I mean siblings fight, like all the time. Even between me and my brother. So I understand the situation, but I'd think that because they are girls, they would actually be more forgiving and such. I really do wish that they get along now though, like, sincerely hope so. TDK loves her sister as well, after hearing her tell me all the great things about her sis. I just hope that they both know that they both love each other, just that they aren't able to really express the love for each other properly.

Did I forget to mention that GDK has a really cute blush? If she is blushing, notice that smile.. the one of a kind smile that she has.. I've no idea if anyone else had noticed, but she's got this really good expression on her face when she is shy or blusing. She wears this really surprised but happy and cute, look on her face (oh, her smile curls up making her extremely adorable and cute). Oh prolong it and she'll break out into a laugh avoiding looking at anyone. She likes to study/work in peace. She doesn't show it but she doesn't like to be disturbed/distracted when she's focused on her study/work.

If only I could be part of GDK's life... sigh...

November 19th, 2018 [Monday]

Well, I got locked on the roof till 0650 this morning before someone came along till the door was opened and I got off the roof. Was thinking of taking the day off since I didn't sleep yet, but decided that I'd do fine, so I went off to work.

While at work today, I was in a daze thinking of GDK again and I guess I white-out for a brief moment. Usually happens when my heart bpm exceeds way over 120bpm (the last time it happened and I checked while I was still conscious before white-out was around 180-190+, below 200 bpm).

Really now, what the hell's wrong with me. I've already suppressed my feelings for her for so long now and didn't really talk to her, so why? Why now for no obvious reasons does my feelings surface? God, it hurts like hell.. But I guess it's worth it as long as it's for her happiness. These few days, I've been wondering if I should share this blog/diary with GDK one day? I mean if she sees all these, she might worry.. and I definitely don't want her to feel worried, after promising her that I'd take care of myself and be healthy in our last phone call. She was also the one who thought me about whipped cream despite not having the opportunity to try it. Now, I don't think I'd try it, plus I don't think I'd be able to let someone else take her place in my heart. Every time I try to let someone into my heart, I end up shutting them out because they were not her.

Sigh...

November 19th, 2018 [Sunday]

So today was much of a boring day (for work). Spent most of the time thinking of GDK and did some freelance projects (still gotta find some work to drown myself in hmm?). Listened to stone Pavarotti, Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Bridgman. Afternoon was Johann Pachelbel (Pachelbel's Canon in D, Fantasia in G minor, Fugue in C major, etc), Ludwig Van Beethovan (Fur Elise, Moonlight Sonata, etc), Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky (Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy, Swarn Lake, etc), Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (Requiem, Allegro, Symphony no. 40, etc), Antonio Vivaldi (Four seasons, Violin Concerto no. 6, etc), Johann Sebastian Bach (Tocatta and Fugue in D, Air on the G String, Ave Maria, etc), and Johannes Brahms (Hungarian Dance 5 G minor, Waltz in A, Intermezzo in E, etc).

In the afternoon was mostly blues from various artists (eg. Peggy Lee, Chuck Berry, etc).

Evenings and night, random stuffs like latest songs and classic songs, eg. Michael Bible - Haven't Met You Yet, Marry Poppins piano solo (Disney), Louis Fonsi - Despacito, Foo Fighters (there's a reason for this band to be in my favorite after..).

Came up to the roof top to smoke and was accidentally locked out. Welp, let's see if I'll last till morning put with the mosquitos and drop in temp due to being near the end of fall and the beginning of winter.

Wish I could tell her that I miss her and I love her. There was only once that I could do that a decade ago, and I missed hearing her giggle when I could call her "sayang" just that once. Sigh.. also there's no news from TDK yet. I hope I didn't really gone and mess things up between us by always going to her only when I need help from her regarding GDK. Sigh.. I guess I'm always a problematic one ainit?

It's 03:10 now and it's started raining.. the night's gonna be a long and cold one..

November 18th, 2018 [Saturday]

So I missed out on posting yesterday's entry, yesterday. I have no idea what to say, maybe just let it come slowly, I guess. At least at work today, there was not so much that I did to create much trouble. It was probably due to the fact that my progress was slow. Did you know that longing for someone too much can actually make your heart rate rise? Earlier today, mine reached a max of 197 bpm. I know of a method of controlled breathing, though only the basics, and attempted to bring forcefully down my bpm, only to pass out a few mins later. So the doc said that I passed out due to fatigue, thought I did not mention the bpm issue (just have the log from the mi band 2).

So there was nothing much at work aside from this. It was mostly (at least for my current job) scripting automation functions for CNC machines. Actually one of the most boring jobs of all the jobs that I've done. Others include; interior construction and design (the least boring job), 'system furniture' woodworking and customization, electrician, (House n furniture) Painter (not as simple as you think or as it looks, trust me.. it's mostly done in 121 min for walls or 12121), bartender (that's where I picked up loving to drink cocktails.. wish you could drink with me, my dear diary.. T_T hit me with a gin tonic);

[gin tonic section
now here's the thing.. gin tonic is one of the easiest cocktails to make but.. have u tried gin tonic from several bars? usually I wouldn't mind what each bartender picks, be it beefeater, Gordon's, tangerine (including 10's), bombey (this 1 is spicy), and my top favorite, Hendrick's.. there was another 1 that I couldn't get my hands on and is also not sold here. The Plymouth's navy strength. Rumor was that it grants you a wish.. nah.. I BS you. It's just that it was rumored to be that great of a gin tonic. The one I make myself (whenever I'm at home and too.. well you know how it is) is using Hendrick's with Schwepps tonic, 1¼ (over here, we refer to it as 1-4-1) or 1½ (1-2-1 only go this if you are trying only 1 glass or just taste testing.. if not, one has to be able to hold their liquor very well) ratio. and instead of the traditional 1 slice, I go with 2 slices of lime, preferably 1 yellow (lemon), 1 green (lime, combination of both for the looks yes, but also the taste). Most bartenders will only give you a slice of lime, some don't squeeze and either put on the rim of the glass or they squeeze in evenly around and either put the rest on the glass or throw it into the glass. In my case, if I go lime x2, then 1, I will cut out the skin on 1 slice and reverse and squeeze the skin (the object is to evenly distribute a small amount of lemon oil from the skin.. just a small amount, kinda like when you peel oranges and the oil from the skin spurts out? yea, like that amount is enough as you want the gin tonic to smell as strongly of lime as possible, from that 1 slice of lime, not overpowering smell though) thus, resulting in not needing to stir it and also, that way, the lemon oil would float on the surface tension and the aroma will bring out the taste as you drink it down.]

hair dresser/stylist, computer technician (networking to cloning.. I mean this is like kids stuff nowadays right? well, data recovery (especially from files deleted from recycle bin and with a small possibility, sometimes even after reformat), basically the works), various jobs (obtained from machinery assembly where sometimes we have to craft our own screws/nut/bolts [multi function bolt threading machine] due to the custom pitch, size and length {also some pivots require reverse threads.. meaning when u want to tighten, you rotate counter-clockwise [usually to release/open/loosen] to do so}. Rotating clockwise produces the reverse effect as the threads on the screws/nuts/blots are on the reverse side. So there's the pivot machine, sanding machine, cnc edm (electro discharge machining), cnc routers (currently doing this. Uses Xilog [3 or plus is fine] to script the designs n automation process and execute them), 3axis cnc router), plumbing.

For the period that I'm still around and can move, will try to complete everything that I have don't halfway (getting a forklift license, getting my bike license; the one that allows me to ride more than 249cc up to 749cc bikes, if not 1,000cc and above, my pilot's license that I abandoned halfway due to.. let's just leave it at my heart (it hurts then, even more so now) wasn't on it at that time and couldn't focus on the courses, both driving licenses (in more ways than 1, first off, left hand and right hand drivers' license as well as global/international license, secondly, rally's driver's license.

Also, I wish I could get my hands on around 1kilogram of any element that can sustain high fission and fusion cycles [1) fellow physicists, just please don't ask 2) and no.. U²³⁵ is not the way and wayyyy too dangerous as it's still active and U²³⁸, though depeleted, well, the life cycles are too short still].

Well, it's 02:43 presently, Sunday 18/Nov and I'll be logging to take a shower now. My work days and work hours are as follows; Mon ~ Sat 0630 wake up, go to work, 0800 start work, 1200 lunch break, 1300 break end and start work, 2100, off work (including OT), reach home around 2200, fix side cases till around 0200~0300, whilst on Sun, I'm mostly serving as a on-call comp tech or a handyman, fixing all kinds of stuff. If I stop for a break, I just start missing her. And despite the timetable (just the work time varying, depending on the business/company I work for) I posted in the previous line, it's been around the same for the past 15 yrs+ (since after completing SIS and her having moved overseas). A lot of people around me and colleagues as well have asked me why I do not intend to settle down with a job instead of constantly changing jobs which would not give me a good income lest I have stayed with 1 for a certain period of time, plus all the jobs that I've changed are always something new and out of my field of experience, so why bother. Well, my answer to them is always simple.. I'm trying to find my path as I haven't found it yet. But in truth, why bother getting a stable income if one doesn't intend to live long. Plus, as long as I can financially sustain myself, why bother with the extra income? Ever since GDK left, I've only spent all possible time in pursuit of knowledge. Whether I use that knowledge or not does not matter.. all that matters is that I have obtained new information.

All in all, my heart still misses her dearly and still hurts so... plus the headache is just joining in the fun now..


The following pictures are from a few years ago

So here's when I ended up in the hospital due to (CO) poisoning,

And here's when I woke up a week later.

And this was when I went mountain climbing with my cousin (recently divorced) which he graciously took for me

November 17th, 2018 [Friday]

So today, GDK messaged me. Sigh, it seems either she didn't know who I was or she wants me to think that. Though it hurts a buckload, maybe it's best that she forgot me. It's true that I did not use my real name on my alt facebook account (my original one's fine, but I do however not wish to link up my accounts on the facebook servers) so she couldn't figure that out, but I didn't want to right up say "Hi kak. It's me, CC-I". Right now, for every beat that my heart makes, each beat feels like a heavy pounding on it's walls. It hurts so freaking bad but it's ok. As long as she's fine and she doesn't know, so as to protect her happiness, it's all fine.

Work was a mess as usual, with her in my head throughout the whole day. Coming home to see her message really burns. Well, I cant blame her as I'm the one entirely at fault here. And I would definitely hope that she wont figure out who I am, cause I know.. if she actually read through what I wrote slowly, I'm pretty sure she'd know.

So anyway, recent events include my neighbour getting me fired after i graciously introduced a job to him in my previous company.. he was playing with his phone the whole day, day after day during work hours. The result, my employer thinks that I'm doing his job for him so as to cover for him and give him free time to game on his phone. Secondly, my aunt passed away last week (Thursday) and I attended her wake 3 days ago. My cousin had a divorce as well. So, having all these things happening all within the month and  adding to what's happening in my life, it feels like a bomb just went off inside both my head and heart. To be honest, I didn't really want to reach out to TDK cause it seems like everytime I do, it's always been about GDK. I'm sure TDK knows but I feel like I'm just a bother. I don't wish to but it really hurts and I really wish I could talk to TDK about it. I just hope she replies soon.


Aside from that, I'll keep updating till something happens. That's when I've probably...

Here's what she said to me.. still considerate even though (maybe) she doesn't seem to know who I was or that she probably just wanna forget me being who I am and what I've done and all.. well, I can't say anything to her now being blocked and all. I mean 8 accidentally used the wrong alt (some random person instead of "fk FB" alt account, but I guess she made it pretty clear that she doesn't talk to strangers, not especially when they know about the past quite clearly.. but then it could only have been me... Sigh, well I guess I could message her again on my fk fb alt but then again, she made it pretty clear so I don't want to disturb her. Besides I've already made a mistake in contacting her.. it's just.. maybe I wish... I wish the person in her life could have been me. But who am I kidding.. I mean she's like a princess to me.. how can someone like me, who's next to no status, be a match for someone like get..

Sigh.. this is why I love her so and why my heart hurts so.

November 16th, 2018 [Thursday]

So this is what I promised around a decade ago. I'd promise that I'd do a blog instead of writing diaries so that she'd be able to read it asap instead of waiting for me to mail my diaries to her. (I'll use aliases to protect mentioned individuals' privacy)

So, first off, summary of my life from the time that I last spoke to her till now in a nutshell;-

-arrested for drunk riding and flagged as a hazard to community (0.25) (apparently if you break 0.15, you're flagged as a hazard to community) (fyi, I was returning from company's annual dinner at a hotel)

-flagged as suicidal [ (by banks and hospitals) (PS. pls don't ask, thx) ] for attempted suicide but ended up failing
-Jack of all trade (learnt a whole buncha trade just for various reasons.. eg. self sustaining, cost efficiency, etc)


So anyway,..

Dear diary?,

   Hari ni, kat... bulak.. sry, today, at the company during work, my head was filled with thought of her again. I'm regret having sent that/those message(s) to her 2 days ago. I have no idea why my head suddenly up and went  and filled my head with thoughts of her. It's true that while I promised myself to stay out of her life so as not to interfere, I don't know what came over me and ended up messaging her. I still do love GDK. There's nothing I wouldn't sacrifice to be with her, except
 maybe everything, even being with her, just for her happiness. There's nothing that I wouldn't do for her to be happy. I sincerely wish for her to be happy ever after, despite how much it breaks my heart.

   I live by 4 rules; as a guy,

• one must not fear filth,
• one must not fear pain,
• one must not fear hardship,
• one must not fear weariness.

Yet, why are the pains of the heart so unbearable? The sense of longing, yet unattainable, drives one to the brink of madness. Remember the time back in SIS, I used to have feelings for SH which took around 4 years for me to get over her. As time passes, the pain subsides. So then why does my feelings for GDK only seem to accumulate over time resulting in the pains increasing in multiple folds? I am unable to tell her how much I loved her then as I really am unable to paraphrase the extent of my love for her, even more so now (as her current situation is inappropriate for me to voice out my feelings)

And yesterday I really wanted advice from her sister TDK (and also to catch up with her and also want to obtains news of GDK) but as luck would have it, they might not be using facebook anymore or are currently in an area inaccessible to the net or facebook. That or they might be ignoring me (which would hurt immensely) but I wouldn't blame her/them as I was the one at fault for having hurt GDK's feelings somewhat a decade ago.

   Back then, I had thought that I could fill the void left in my heart with someone else and that would remove the pain. It was a terrible mistake, one which, till the end of Father Time itself, would never fix.

   I remember back at the hostel, I used to tell GDK that I have feelings for TDK and use that as an excuse to see her and chat with her. My sincerest apologies to TDK for using you as a topic just to chat or be with your sis. Back then, I was really jealous of GD for being with GDK all the time. GDK looked like she was having fun then. I would always look at her beautiful, cheerful face from afar and try to avoid eye contact with her so as not to 1) be shy about it 2) to give away the fact that I had feelings for her. I still remember the night that I went to see her to talk about TDK and when I knocked on the door, TDK was in the room with her. Her saddened face broke my heart to pieces. A short while later, I got a chance to be alone with her and it was then that GDK told me that due to her father's business, she was to move to Eng with her parents. I was doing my best to hold my tears in as the pain in my heart swelled up. I had a small talk with her and told her to follow her heart and walk a path of regret, and that if her heart told her to go, then she should follow, if not, she should stay. Apparently, she wasn't given a choice in this matter, it seemed. However, she said that she could convince  (or at least she would try to convince) her dad to let her stay. I really wished that I wouldn't have told her that, and that I loved her more than anything, and would really wish for her to stay so that I could see her all the time (if I had a second chance to re-live this moment and choose again, I wouldn't change the decision however). Despite the fact that I told her to try to live a life of no regrets, I contradict myself and chose that path. But the reason I chose it is because I want her to obtain what she wants instead of being selfish and choosing what I want. All in all, I wanted her to be happy wherever she went and I would willingly lend a helping hand if ever I can, whenever I can, if need be. I would willingly be an organ donor for her if there be a need.

   So anyway, there's too much to write and I'll end this here for now and continue tomorrow as it's 1am now. Ever since she's left, all I've ever done was drown myself in work to overwrite my sorrows. 10+ years later, I feel the wear down on my body, but still, I try my best to drown myself in work. I have no idea why for this past 3 days, I've been constantly thinking about her. However, I am used to this as over this past decade, I've mostly been sleep 2-4hrs and having 1 meal a day, occasionally 2-4hrs with 1 meal per 2 days. All the decisions that I made till now have been mine and mine alone in pursuit of her happiness. As long as she is happy, I am contented and will willingly be in the shadows regardless of how I feel. My feelings are of no importance, securing her happiness is what matters.

I'll be signing off now as I've yet to fix an android phone atm.

Ttyl diary.