Today at work, my head was filled with thoughts about the past. About how I watched her sleep once when I went to see her in the room with the desk lamp glowing a dim yellow, about times when I used the excuse to talk to her about liking her sister, as well as about the time when she discussed with me about her going off to another country, about the times when I called her up (after she's left for another country) and we had a long chats using (me) IDD cards and that she was worried about my financial status calling from so far, chatting about stuffs, the joy, the happiness, erm.. the excitement?.. made me so happy back then, till I went and screw it up by hurting her feelings, that made me want to cry. Sometimes I wonder if I could actually show her all these, but then again, I'm also worried that she might be worried about me after reading all these things. But then again, she might not as she's got her own family to take care of. I'm just no one to her. Now even more. I wish I could consider myself as a friend of hers but.. I mean, what kind of friend cuts off contact with each other for a decade? It may be that I just didn't want to face everything, her having a boyfriend, her getting engaged, her getting married and finally, her having a kid.. it was all too painful to bear.
But I didn't want her to know all these. I didn't want to wreck havoc in her life, her happiness. It's because I truly love her, and still do, that I'd rather cut off contact and stay out of her life in order for her to be happy. Besides, call me having no confidence in myself, but I've always felt that such an angel is way too good for me. I could never match up to her. Despite the fact that I wished that I could be the one in her life, to be together, take care of her and pamper her to no limits, grow old together, watch our children grow old and get married as well (I'd fantasize about a life with her every so often, erm.. amongst other things..), I've never felt that I would be a good match for her.. in fact, I might even end sullying her name. I've never remembered a time where I actually made her happy or smile even once since the first day she arrived into my life back in high school, till now.
Also, I do love her sis too (well, not that kind of meaning but) for all the advice and help that she's given me all this time. I'd lie to both of them (GDK and TDK) that I love the other and don't know how to make approach them. Both thinking I like the other that, they'd do their best to help me out. But in truth, I've explained to TDK about the situation and she's the only 1 of 2 sisters who knew the actual situation and she didn't seem to mind. Every time, I would talk to TDK about GDK. She'd tell me all sorts of things, like when she's happy or unhappy (if so, what I should say or when to go see her), she'd tell me when GDK was busy studying and advice not to disturb her, stuff like that. And when I was with GDK, I'd ask what TDK likes and stuff like that, you know... some what the same direction I took to approach TDK about GDK. But little did GDK know that this was the only way I could get to be with her. So unknowingly, she'd tell me a lot about TDK (naturally, I mean she actually loves her own sister) and what kind of child she was like (in great detail.. looks like she actually pays great attention to TDK when young), all the incidents and such. But I'm not really sure why they didn't get along (last I heard from them). Might be that the older sibling doesn't want to admit or to show/express that they actually do love their younger sibling or what, but somehow they didn't get along together.. I mean siblings fight, like all the time. Even between me and my brother. So I understand the situation, but I'd think that because they are girls, they would actually be more forgiving and such. I really do wish that they get along now though, like, sincerely hope so. TDK loves her sister as well, after hearing her tell me all the great things about her sis. I just hope that they both know that they both love each other, just that they aren't able to really express the love for each other properly.
Did I forget to mention that GDK has a really cute blush? If she is blushing, notice that smile.. the one of a kind smile that she has.. I've no idea if anyone else had noticed, but she's got this really good expression on her face when she is shy or blusing. She wears this really surprised but happy and cute, look on her face (oh, her smile curls up making her extremely adorable and cute). Oh prolong it and she'll break out into a laugh avoiding looking at anyone. She likes to study/work in peace. She doesn't show it but she doesn't like to be disturbed/distracted when she's focused on her study/work.
If only I could be part of GDK's life... sigh...
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