So, first off, summary of my life from the time that I last spoke to her till now in a nutshell;-
-arrested for drunk riding and flagged as a hazard to community (0.25) (apparently if you break 0.15, you're flagged as a hazard to community) (fyi, I was returning from company's annual dinner at a hotel)
-flagged as suicidal [ (by banks and hospitals) (PS. pls don't ask, thx) ] for attempted suicide but ended up failing
-Jack of all trade (learnt a whole buncha trade just for various reasons.. eg. self sustaining, cost efficiency, etc)
So anyway,..
Dear diary?,
Hari ni, kat... bulak.. sry, today, at the company during work, my head was filled with thought of her again. I'm regret having sent that/those message(s) to her 2 days ago. I have no idea why my head suddenly up and went and filled my head with thoughts of her. It's true that while I promised myself to stay out of her life so as not to interfere, I don't know what came over me and ended up messaging her. I still do love GDK. There's nothing I wouldn't sacrifice to be with her, except
maybe everything, even being with her, just for her happiness. There's nothing that I wouldn't do for her to be happy. I sincerely wish for her to be happy ever after, despite how much it breaks my heart.
I live by 4 rules; as a guy,
- one must not fear filth,
- one must not fear pain,
- one must not fear hardship,
- one must not fear weariness.
Yet, why are the pains of the heart so unbearable? The sense of longing, yet unattainable, drives one to the brink of madness. Remember the time back in SIS, I used to have feelings for SH which took around 4 years for me to get over her. As time passes, the pain subsides. So then why does my feelings for GDK only seem to accumulate over time resulting in the pains increasing in multiple folds? I am unable to tell her how much I loved her then as I really am unable to paraphrase the extent of my love for her, even more so now (as her current situation is inappropriate for me to voice out my feelings)
And yesterday I really wanted advice from her sister TDK (and also to catch up with her and also want to obtains news of GDK) but as luck would have it, they might not be using facebook anymore or are currently in an area inaccessible to the net or facebook. That or they might be ignoring me (which would hurt immensely) but I wouldn't blame her/them as I was the one at fault for having hurt GDK's feelings somewhat a decade ago.
Back then, I had thought that I could fill the void left in my heart with someone else and that would remove the pain. It was a terrible mistake, one which, till the end of Father Time itself, would never fix.
I remember back at the hostel, I used to tell GDK that I have feelings for TDK and use that as an excuse to see her and chat with her. My sincerest apologies to TDK for using you as a topic just to chat or be with your sis. Back then, I was really jealous of GD for being with GDK all the time. GDK looked like she was having fun then. I would always look at her beautiful, cheerful face from afar and try to avoid eye contact with her so as not to 1) be shy about it 2) to give away the fact that I had feelings for her. I still remember the night that I went to see her to talk about TDK and when I knocked on the door, TDK was in the room with her. Her saddened face broke my heart to pieces. A short while later, I got a chance to be alone with her and it was then that GDK told me that due to her father's business, she was to move to Eng with her parents. I was doing my best to hold my tears in as the pain in my heart swelled up. I had a small talk with her and told her to follow her heart and walk a path of regret, and that if her heart told her to go, then she should follow, if not, she should stay. Apparently, she wasn't given a choice in this matter, it seemed. However, she said that she could convince (or at least she would try to convince) her dad to let her stay. I really wished that I wouldn't have told her that, and that I loved her more than anything, and would really wish for her to stay so that I could see her all the time (if I had a second chance to re-live this moment and choose again, I wouldn't change the decision however). Despite the fact that I told her to try to live a life of no regrets, I contradict myself and chose that path. But the reason I chose it is because I want her to obtain what she wants instead of being selfish and choosing what I want. All in all, I wanted her to be happy wherever she went and I would willingly lend a helping hand if ever I can, whenever I can, if need be. I would willingly be an organ donor for her if there be a need.
So anyway, there's too much to write and I'll end this here for now and continue tomorrow as it's 1am now. Ever since she's left, all I've ever done was drown myself in work to overwrite my sorrows. 10+ years later, I feel the wear down on my body, but still, I try my best to drown myself in work. I have no idea why for this past 3 days, I've been constantly thinking about her. However, I am used to this as over this past decade, I've mostly been sleep 2-4hrs and having 1 meal a day, occasionally 2-4hrs with 1 meal per 2 days. All the decisions that I made till now have been mine and mine alone in pursuit of her happiness. As long as she is happy, I am contented and will willingly be in the shadows regardless of how I feel. My feelings are of no importance, securing her happiness is what matters.
I'll be signing off now as I've yet to fix an android phone atm.
Ttyl diary.
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